Assman Chronicles
by Verbena
Summary: "The Gang" has a BBQ party in Mulder's office and somebody gets slapped every 3 1/2 seconds. PLEASE R/R!


Title: Assman Chronicles  
Author: Ravioli Butterpannies, AKA Verbena, the pookie-lass  
Spoilers: all things, En Ami, One Son, Amor Fati, probably more  
Disclaimer: The X-files is not mine and never will be. I wish it was, though... then I'd fix the mess it's gotten itself into...  
Summary: "The Gang" have a BBQ party in Mulder's office and lots of people get slapped repeatedly. I have to thank my good friend Kujkaroth for some ideas in this fanfic... he came up with the whole ASSMAN thing.  
  
---  
  
Mulder and Scully finally got back to the J. Edgar Hoover building after going to Krogers to buy Nair. They opened the door to Mulder's office to find Skinner cooking hamburgers on a BBQ grill. He was wearing an apron that read "Kiss the Cook", so Mulder kissed the cook. Scully slapped him. Oh yeah, and CSM and the Lone Gunmen where there, too. They were all wearing hawaiian t-shirts and dancing to Aerosmith.  
  
"My, my, baby blue! Yeah, been thinking 'bout my, my baby blue. Yeah, you're so jaded... and baby, I'm afraid of you!" CSM sang with that loverly voice of his.  
  
Scully walked over to the Lone Gunmen and slapped every one of them. "Your new show sucks. Go home."  
  
Byers started crying and Frohike comforted him. Langley slapped Scully back. Mulder got mad and slapped Langley for slapping Scully. Langley slapped Mulder for slapping Langley who slapped Scully for slapping The Lone Gunmen because their new show sucks.  
  
"Ow," said Scully.  
  
"Ow," said Langley.  
  
"Ow," said Mulder.  
  
"Ow," said CSM. "Heart attack."  
  
And CSM dropped dead, but then Chris Carter waved his arms and magically CSM rose to his feet again, alive and well. "Bless the boogahs!" said CSM.   
  
Scully walked over to the sterio and changed the music to The Sky is Broken by Moby. "Quick, Mulder, let's get in position!"  
  
"But there's no couch here!"  
  
"Damn... okay, let's just sit up against the desk."  
  
So they sat up against the desk and Scully pretended to fall asleep against Mulder's shoulder. In pretend slow motion, he tenderly brushed a strand of her hair away, gazed at her for a few seconds, and then...  
  
"DAMN! Quick, I need a blanket," Mulder demanded. "Langley? Frohike? Byers? HELP?"  
  
They all shook their heads. "Not until Scully apologizes for insulting our show," said Byers, his eyes still teary.  
  
Not opening her eyes, Scully growled. "I'm sleeping, stupid!!"  
  
Mulder sat there for a few seconds. "Ugh, fine. Forget about it." He got up and Scully fell to the floor, having nobody to lean on. He went to the sterio and changed the music to Open the Gate by No Doubt. Scully got up and slapped Skinner.  
  
"When are the hamburgers gonna be done, bitch?" Scully asked him somewhat rudely.  
  
Skinner glared at her. "Impatient children don't, uh... something something."  
  
Scully looked around and saw that Mulder was dancing with CSM. She slapped CSM and he had another heart attack and fell to the floor because he's old. "Ohhhh, my aorta..." he moaned.  
  
Scully glared at Mulder.  
  
Mulder shrugged. "I swing both ways."  
  
"Oh, god, don't tell me he raped you, too..."  
  
Mulder blinked.  
  
"Uh, I mean... uh... er... nevermind. Let's dance!"  
  
So Mulder and Scully started to dance, but Open the Gate by No Doubt isn't a very dancy song. So Scully changed it to Smells like Teen Spam, er, Spirit by Nirvana. But that isn't a very dancy song either so finally she changed it to Georgia on my Mind by Ray Charles and THAT was a dancy song so they danced.   
  
"KISS!" yelled Skinner. Frohike slapped him.  
  
Mulder and Scully gazed at eachother deeply. "Can I... kiss you?" asked Mulder. Scully blinked. "Um, okay." So they moved closer and closer and closer to eachother and their lips almost touched when...  
  
"BEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Langley yelled. Everyone hid. Langley laughed. "Just kidding."  
  
Mulder slapped him. "Damn you!"  
  
Scully slapped him. "Bitch!"  
  
Skinner slapped him. "Pansy! Oh, wait, that's me..."  
  
CSM slapped him. "I'll slap you again if you don't get me to a hospital!"  
  
Langley slapped them all back. "You all suck. Come on, boys, we're needed in The Lone Gunmen television show world."  
  
"But the hamburgers aren't even done yet!" complained Frohike.  
  
"Hamburgers are yummy," added Byers.  
  
Suddenly a man with an enormous ass and a small boy with a huge bootay appeared in the room out of nowhere.  
  
"I am... ASSMAN! Defend of all that is good and anal!" the man recited, posing.  
  
"And I am ASSMAN'S sidekick, ANALAD!" the boy recited, posing alongside Assman.  
  
"We are the ASS DUO, from Assatocks, NJ!" the man told them. "Feel our buns!"  
  
The room was silenced.  
  
Finally, Skinner spoke up. "IMPEACH CHURCHILL!"  
  
Everyone stared at him. He shrugged.  
  
Mulder frowned. "Okay, none of us called for the 'ASS DUO', okay? We're just trying to have a BBQ."  
  
Assman sighed. "Oh... sorry. Come, ANALAD, to the ASSmobile!"  
  
And they were off. There was an awkward moment of silence, then everything was back to normal.  
  
---  
  
**Three Hours Later**  
  
A campfire was built in the middle of the room, the fire going strong. "The Gang" was huddled around it. Frohike had one of those laser stick thingies and was pointing it into people's eyes.  
  
"Almost..." Scully sang softly. It actually sounded _good_. "All the things that your eyes once promised... I see in him, too... now your eyes are red from crying... almost blue..."  
  
"Scully... that's beautiful..." Mulder commented.  
  
Skinner nodded. He had tears streaming down his face. "I... I have a song just as emotional. I'll sing it to you guys, it's called-"  
  
Frohike pointed the laser thingie into Skinner's eyes. "NO."  
  
Skinner screamed. "AUGH! You're blinding me! Stop that!" He tried to slap Frohike but he couldn't see clearly and slapped Mulder instead.  
  
Mulder was about to beat the living snot out of Skinner when two people unexpectedly barged into the room.  
  
"Di...ana...?" Mulder asked, his eyes growing larger then Diana's is normally, and believe me, that is LARGE.  
  
"Med...usa...?" Scully asked, falling over.  
  
Diana nodded. "My neme-a is Deeuna! Um gesh dee bork, bork! I em here-a tu teke-a Moolder. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp!"  
  
Frohike gasped. "She's back from the dead, and she talks funny! And... she's brought Spender with her!!"  
  
Spender smirked. "Mah' dojigger be Spender! Right on! ah' wuz shot by mah' own fader! Right on!"  
  
Langley nearly fainted. "Oh, god, now SPENDER is talking funny, too! Please, god, end this fanfic NOW!"  
  
Spender went to the sterio and turned on the Bum-Bum Song by Tom Green. "Mah' bum be on de cheese! Right on! Bum be on de cheese! Right on! If ah' get lucky, I'll dig some disease! Right on!"  
  
CSM decided that this was his chance to escape. He didn't really want to stick around any longer. He slowly tiptoed to the door, when...  
  
"Stop right dere! Right on!" Spender yelled.  
  
CSM sighed. "Listen, I know I shot and killed you and everything, but surely you can forgive and forget, can't you?"  
  
"Fo'cut and fo'get! Right on! ah' duzn't dink so, buster. Ah be baaad..." and with that, Spender slapped his own father.  
  
"You slapped your own father!" CSM exclaimed, putting his hand on his cheek.  
  
"You'swasted yo' own son! Right on!"  
  
"Well, can't argue with that, I guess..."  
  
Diana walked up to Scully and slapped her. "Gu tu hell, beetch!"  
  
Scully slapped Diana back. "Learn to speak coherently, bitch!"  
  
"I speek joost es cuherently es iferyune-a ilse-a, beetch! Now, Moolder. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Let's roon ooffff tugezeer!"  
  
Scully's face grew red. "I don't think so, bitch. Mulder is mine. RIGHT, MULDER?"  
  
Mulder shrugged. "Well, sorry Diana, but I don't really dig _dead_ chicks."  
  
Diana slapped him. "Vhet? I'm nut deed! I ceme-a BECK frum zee deed! I'm eleefe-a NOV!"  
  
"You're not dead? Well, that's good," Mulder replied. "But I'm sorry, Diana... _Scully is much, much prettier then you_."  
  
The audience went "ooooooooooooo!!!"... They don't have an audience, but if they did, that's what they would've done.  
  
"Nu vey! I'm MOOCH pretteeer zeen yuoor red-heeded beetch pertner! I vun a beooty cuntest!"  
  
Mulder shrugged. "I like red-heads..."  
  
Scully slapped Diana. "And you did NOT win a beauty contest! Hey... that's a song. Cool." She walked over to the sterio and put on Beauty Contest by No Doubt.  
  
"My vanity is such a mess," Scully sang along.  
  
"I knoo thees sung, tuu!" Diana began to sing along, also. "My funeety is sooch a mess!"  
  
Scully slapped Diana. "You don't know the words, bitch! You're just imitating me."  
  
Byers sighed and looked up at the heavens. "This fanfic is so violent and vulgar. Can't you come up with something better, Verbena?"  
  
A deep, bellowing voice from above answered, "No... I live off of violence and vulgarity..."  
  
"Well, when the heck is this thing going to end? It just goes on and on with no point whatsoever... aren't you getting tired?"  
  
"No... I live off of pointlessness... now, get me some Dr. Pepper..."  
  
Byers scratched his head. "But you're just a deep, bellowing voice..."  
  
"Damn straight."  
  
And that was the last Byers ever heard of the deep, bellowing voice known only as Verbena.  
  
Skinner sighed. "All this funny is wearing me out!"  
  
Frohike nodded. "Tell me about it."  
  
So Skinner and Frohike fell asleep in eachother's arms.  
  
"I'm tired, too," Mulder said, yawning.  
  
So Mulder and Scully fell asleep in eachother's arms. Then Diana and Spender fell asleep in eachother's arms. Then Langely and Byers fell asleep in eachother's arms. It was very snuggly. But... someone was left out.  
  
CSM lit a cigarrette and put it between his lips. He glanced one last time at the sleeping couples sprawled out on the floor before him, then walked out. His face was solemn. He had nothing to smile about. He was alone.  
  
_Almost blue  
Almost doing things we used to do   
There's a boy here and he's almost you   
Almost all the things that your eyes once promised  
I see in him too   
Now your eyes are red from crying  
  
Almost blue   
Flirting with this disaster became me   
It named me as the fool who only aimed to be  
  
Almost blue   
It's almost touching that we're almost through   
There's a part of me that's always true always   
All the things never come to an end   
now it is only a chosen few   
I've seen such an unhappy couple_  
  
_Almost me  
Almost you  
Almost blue_  
  
**FIN**  
  
  



End file.
